What's Wrong With The World?

The Kardashian sisters are pretty wrong. Sure, they’re entertaining and make us feel better about our own crazy families, but what do they offer society in terms of… y’know… anything? Firstly, that lazy Californian drawl (combined with inane conversation) makes me want to claw my own skin off. They’re famous for being vapid, for wearing too much make up, for living and breathing drama that is staged solely for the camera. For example: one episode consisted entirely of Kim having a premature mid-life crisis, getting botox and subsequently having an allergic reaction to the botox. If that shit is television-worthy, it seems pretty unfair for the many women in Toorak/Brighton/Malvern who don’t get any recognition for their botched faces/general lack of social contribution. Society, please: can we stop applauding people who do nothing? (Aside from on YouTube, cos well, crazy people are hilarious.)

Our attitude to animals is also what’s wrong with the world. “Oh, a shark! A shark! It accidentally bit a surfer’s arm off! Let’s kill it, and every other shark within a 30km radius! Let’s kill thousands of sharks every year! But while it’s NOT OK for sharks to (accidentally) eat us, let’s celebrate our murder of billons of animals! Let’s make ads that say ‘Get some pork on your fork!’ Let’s build slaughterhouses where animals are lined up like dominoes and brutally killed!” If we’re going to take such pleasure in the murdering and eating of animals because it’s part of the “food chain”, we also need to accept that we aren’t at the top of said food chain. So once in a while, a bear/shark/crocodile is going to kill a human. Let’s learn to deal with it, mmmkay? Or even better, let’s get back to nature with our methods of animal slaughter, and stop being such machine-reliant, mass-murdering, beard-stroking monsters.

Society’s tendency towards accumulation/social climbing is also what’s wrong with the world. A few days ago, I saw an ad for some shitty sports car (maybe an Aston Martin) that read, “The Six Degrees of Aspiration”. My blood boiled. Tell me, Mr. Aston Martin Advertiser, can I eat this car? Can I have sex with it? Will it jump on my bed in the morning and lick my face? (The last one refers to a dog, not any sort of male partner). Nothing comes from a high social status and excessive wealth other than a vague sense of unhappiness, a husband/wife that cheats on you and a bunch of parties at which everyone’s wearing the same thing and talking about the same thing. So yeah, Mr. Aston Martin, I’m going to live in the forest with lots of pets and make things out of things I find. You can take your shitty sports car, $3000 dresses, and your superficial relationships and shove them up your upper-class butt.

20 Things I Live By

Just some tidbits I've learned through my various fuck ups and observations (and those of my friends). Enjoy!

1. Sleep is not really a take-it-or-leave-it sort of thing. No sleep = no function. Naps save lives.
2. As a rule: stay out of it. Don’t play God with your friends’ relationships and don’t force your past experiences on the people around you. You were allowed to fuck up; let them do the same.
3. If advertising required any degree of truth, Vodka would be renamed Bad Decision Juice.
4. Tired/hot/cold/hungover/sad/sick? Have a shower.
5. There will always be someone less attractive/more attractive than you. Have some self-confidence, but also have something more to offer than your looks.
6. Friendships don’t just “happen” and they aren’t just there when you need them. Have your friends’ backs, and expect the same of them.
7. Make sure you know how to be alone. Being in constant need of company won’t get you very far in life.
8. Defining your style around trends is not only fucking lame, it’s fucking expensive.
9. Sure that table looks fun, but don’t dance on it. Trust me.
10. There aren’t many instances where it is acceptable to be “bored”. If you have an imagination and functional limbs, use your fucking creativity.
11. You know what? Nobody cares that your hoodie/jeans/dress cost you $400. Nobody cares about your famous uncle, or your connection at Rolling Stone, or whatever fancy restaurant you’re douching it up at.
12. People who can’t laugh at themselves aren’t very fun people.
13. Ignorance breeds hate and narrow-mindedness. Read a lot, ask questions and really try to understand perspectives different to your own.
14. There’s nothing like a long walk at dusk.
15. Profanity, sarcasm and racist jokes can be the best forms of humour when used in jest, but are the most pathetic when used maliciously.
16. Don’t be a limp noodle bystander. They are the lowest life form. At the very least, call the police.
17. Be nice to your waiter, be nice to your checkout chick, be nice to strangers. We’re all people.
18. If you’re going to drunk-eat, do it properly. Chicken nuggets, a Whopper or a Snackbox -- none of this “bread” business.
19. Agree to disagree, unless the person is being an ignorant cunt.
20. USE A FUCKING CONDOM.

Gay-haters, we hate you

Does a person’s sexual orientation matter? Recent suicides of gay teens would suggest that on some level, it does. Tragedies such as these show that regardless of how smart, hilarious or genuine a person is, they may face discrimination based on which gender they are attracted to. This shit honestly blows my mind and it needs to end.

“But the bible says-”

No, shut the fuck up. If you are basing your world views on “what the bible says” then somebody probably needs to remind you that the bible was written thousands of years ago, when shitty and homophobic behaviour was somewhat more acceptable. I don’t hate the bible, but I just wish people took the important things from it. I’d say ‘Love thy neighbour’ sends out a much better vibe than ‘Homos are living in sin’ (I may have paraphrased a little there). It also includes stories about a man who put two of every animal on a boat (because yeah, that really happened) and a couple who supposedly populated the entire world. In summary, don’t believe everything you read.

I’ll make some concessions for old people, as I find that they are generally pretty homophobic. But whatever, they were raised in a different era with a different values. Give it twenty years and they’ll all be dead anyway. But the rest of us, we have no excuses. We might live in a country with two semi-homophobic fence-sitting political parties who refuse to legalize gay marriage, but the rest of us can rise above that conservative bullshit. Gay, straight, bi, whatever, we’re all people. I have gay and bisexual friends who are all awesome and interesting. I’m as proud of them as I am of any of my other friends and I would get all ‘psycho bitch’ on the asses of anyone who thought they had the right to belittle them.

Homophobia is dying, but it’s not dead yet. Let’s kill that son of a bitch. And then let’s get drunk and party.

The Reverse-Bandwagon

These days, I’m seeing a lot of the ‘reverse-bandwagon’. Although it sounds like some sort of kinky sex move, I actually use it to describe those people who are just too indie for planet earth. And I really, really want to punch them all in the balls.

You can usually spot this type of person, as it is pretty hard to miss someone with their head shoved that far up their own arse. He/she will usually prance around with exclamations such as “Oh, I heard that band when I was in the womb!” or “Yeah (insert unknown band’s name here) is reminiscent of (insert equally unknown band’s name here)’s earlier stuff…” But more annoyingly, the second this band gains any popularity or credit for their music, this person will have pranced on to supposedly newer and better things, labeling their old “favouritest band” as sellouts.

Take Kings of Leon for example. I will never comprehend how a band that gave us three amazing (okay, okay, I’ll be objective: solid) albums was turned on so quickly by their “oldest fans” due to the mainstream popularity of Only By The Night. The mediocrity of this album was grossly exaggerated, as the majority of older fans struggled to discern between a genuinely shit album and the overkill of a genuinely shit radio station (here’s looking at you, Nova).

I’ve seen this shit continue with the release of their first single, Radioactive. When Triple J asked for opinions, a huge number of listeners decided that Kings were “catering to their new fans.” Did these jerkbags decide that before hearing the song? I know I’m being subjective as fuck but I just don’t understand how anyone could say that about a song that would slot in perfectly on Because of the Times, the album prior to their “big sellout”.

For a band that provided me with countless summer soundtracks, from studying with Taper Jean Girl to sun baking with California Waiting, I will remain loyal. After all, the Chili Peppers assaulted my ears with Stadium Arcadium and I’ll still be jizzing-my-pants-excited about their next album.

To summarize: finding new music is great, sharing new music is great. Flinging shit at older bands is not. Everyone has an inner pretentious pony, but seriously dude, put it on a leash. Nobody likes that pony and it has no friends.

Sorry boys. Although you didn't get a mention, you'll always be my faves.

Attention Hairdressers

As relationships go, me and my hair are pretty tight. It’s reasonably straight and healthy, does what I want it to, and (unlike my boyfriend) it doesn’t try and talk to me about Supercoach. But like most low-maintenance relationships, sometimes I forget to maintain it altogether.

Today, as I examined the ends of my hair (don’t judge me, I KNOW I’m not the only one who does this) I saw the beginnings of split ends. Apart from being a little excited about losing my split end virginity, I started to feel the nagging guilt that accompanies continued haircut avoidance.

First of all, I like my hairdresser, and secondly, she lives next door. Clearly dislike/proximity are not factors, so why, I hear you ask, do I avoid haircuts like I will probably come to avoid pap smears? Because (and I’m not being an elitist career snob) hairdressers obviously come from another planet. A planet on which “Just take a couple of centimetres off” means “Go ahead, hack off at least half the hair that I’ve spent months growing out.”

Where were all the hairdressers when God was handing out measurement skills? Or when their grade two teachers were demonstrating the difference between centimetres and inches? They were obviously playing Barbies in the corner or something, because I continue to walk out of the salon looking like I can’t decide whether I’m a boy or a girl. So until I feel confident that hairdressers have become less confused about units of measurement, I will continue to perform dodgy home jobs with the kitchen scissors.

Hairdressers everywhere, please. Let me and others like me enjoy long, shampoo-ad-worthy hair. As a rule of thumb: take the amount you think you should cut off, divide by four, then proceed.

I feel ya, Natalie Portman...

Welcome

Here is my blog, bitches. What is the protocol for naughty words on blogs anyway? I probably should have checked that out...