What's Wrong With The World?

The Kardashian sisters are pretty wrong. Sure, they’re entertaining and make us feel better about our own crazy families, but what do they offer society in terms of… y’know… anything? Firstly, that lazy Californian drawl (combined with inane conversation) makes me want to claw my own skin off. They’re famous for being vapid, for wearing too much make up, for living and breathing drama that is staged solely for the camera. For example: one episode consisted entirely of Kim having a premature mid-life crisis, getting botox and subsequently having an allergic reaction to the botox. If that shit is television-worthy, it seems pretty unfair for the many women in Toorak/Brighton/Malvern who don’t get any recognition for their botched faces/general lack of social contribution. Society, please: can we stop applauding people who do nothing? (Aside from on YouTube, cos well, crazy people are hilarious.)

Our attitude to animals is also what’s wrong with the world. “Oh, a shark! A shark! It accidentally bit a surfer’s arm off! Let’s kill it, and every other shark within a 30km radius! Let’s kill thousands of sharks every year! But while it’s NOT OK for sharks to (accidentally) eat us, let’s celebrate our murder of billons of animals! Let’s make ads that say ‘Get some pork on your fork!’ Let’s build slaughterhouses where animals are lined up like dominoes and brutally killed!” If we’re going to take such pleasure in the murdering and eating of animals because it’s part of the “food chain”, we also need to accept that we aren’t at the top of said food chain. So once in a while, a bear/shark/crocodile is going to kill a human. Let’s learn to deal with it, mmmkay? Or even better, let’s get back to nature with our methods of animal slaughter, and stop being such machine-reliant, mass-murdering, beard-stroking monsters.

Society’s tendency towards accumulation/social climbing is also what’s wrong with the world. A few days ago, I saw an ad for some shitty sports car (maybe an Aston Martin) that read, “The Six Degrees of Aspiration”. My blood boiled. Tell me, Mr. Aston Martin Advertiser, can I eat this car? Can I have sex with it? Will it jump on my bed in the morning and lick my face? (The last one refers to a dog, not any sort of male partner). Nothing comes from a high social status and excessive wealth other than a vague sense of unhappiness, a husband/wife that cheats on you and a bunch of parties at which everyone’s wearing the same thing and talking about the same thing. So yeah, Mr. Aston Martin, I’m going to live in the forest with lots of pets and make things out of things I find. You can take your shitty sports car, $3000 dresses, and your superficial relationships and shove them up your upper-class butt.

20 Things I Live By

Just some tidbits I've learned through my various fuck ups and observations (and those of my friends). Enjoy!

1. Sleep is not really a take-it-or-leave-it sort of thing. No sleep = no function. Naps save lives.
2. As a rule: stay out of it. Don’t play God with your friends’ relationships and don’t force your past experiences on the people around you. You were allowed to fuck up; let them do the same.
3. If advertising required any degree of truth, Vodka would be renamed Bad Decision Juice.
4. Tired/hot/cold/hungover/sad/sick? Have a shower.
5. There will always be someone less attractive/more attractive than you. Have some self-confidence, but also have something more to offer than your looks.
6. Friendships don’t just “happen” and they aren’t just there when you need them. Have your friends’ backs, and expect the same of them.
7. Make sure you know how to be alone. Being in constant need of company won’t get you very far in life.
8. Defining your style around trends is not only fucking lame, it’s fucking expensive.
9. Sure that table looks fun, but don’t dance on it. Trust me.
10. There aren’t many instances where it is acceptable to be “bored”. If you have an imagination and functional limbs, use your fucking creativity.
11. You know what? Nobody cares that your hoodie/jeans/dress cost you $400. Nobody cares about your famous uncle, or your connection at Rolling Stone, or whatever fancy restaurant you’re douching it up at.
12. People who can’t laugh at themselves aren’t very fun people.
13. Ignorance breeds hate and narrow-mindedness. Read a lot, ask questions and really try to understand perspectives different to your own.
14. There’s nothing like a long walk at dusk.
15. Profanity, sarcasm and racist jokes can be the best forms of humour when used in jest, but are the most pathetic when used maliciously.
16. Don’t be a limp noodle bystander. They are the lowest life form. At the very least, call the police.
17. Be nice to your waiter, be nice to your checkout chick, be nice to strangers. We’re all people.
18. If you’re going to drunk-eat, do it properly. Chicken nuggets, a Whopper or a Snackbox -- none of this “bread” business.
19. Agree to disagree, unless the person is being an ignorant cunt.
20. USE A FUCKING CONDOM.